One Week Later

Has it really been a week? The days have all blended together, and we very seldom leave the house. By house, I mean mom's, because that is where we have decided to make camp. Casey came home, and it's nice to all be together here sharing the load of grief. There has been so much to do, and yet the desire to not do anything at all. I feel like I've relived my childhood over and over again by looking at the vast amount of pictures we have. Scanning and sorting was an arduous task that Grandma Glenda really took care of. Uncle Scott has been in North Carolina trying to take care of as much as he can, and we've been down here trying to plan a service. It seems so unreal. It's still a shock. The tears have come so often, I feel like I will have no more left. Connor is doing so well during all of this. We have tried to keep him to his schedule, but of course his sleeping environment is different. He enjoys the company that comes to visit and he is walking everywhere more and more. His giggles are a highlight to any day, and he helps me focus on the here and now. I'm reminded of how delicate life is. How we take it for granted. How the Lord is so powerful, and how He has a plan whether I can see it or not. A tree, a simple tree changed our lives. They have cut down so many that it was just a normal task for them. Who knew it would end so tragically? I think about this and still think it's wrong. That it was just a close call, a story that dad is going to tell us about later. It seems so unreal to me. This type of thing doesn't happen to us, these are things you only hear about. A week has gone by.

There is hope though. There is a promise that I will see him again. This is where faith swoops in and soothes the hurt, and wraps it's arms around us to ease the pain. Every day gets a little better, every day holds more smiles, every day brings hope.

1 Thessalonions 4:13-18

¹³ Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words.

Grandpa Gary

Psalm 61:2 "When my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

As I was thinking about journaling this week, I thought my main topic was going to be about how Connor gave himself a frenectomy on Sunday and how seeing him hurt was not easy. I have no words for what I'm actually going to write because my heart cannot make sense of what has happened. Daddy is gone. I have lost my daddy, Connor has lost his grandpa. I know I will see him in the future but there are so many things I am going to miss. So many memories I was looking forward to making.

Connor, let me tell you about your grandpa. He was so proud of you, and he loved you so much. You were his very first grandchild, and he thought you were so amazing. He was a sensitive man, and had a lot of wisdom. He was never one to shy away from his opinion, though he was always quick to say "Now, you don't have to do what I say, but this is what I think...". Of course because of what he said you knew you were going to take his advice. He had a great sense of humor, of which he always said "No one ever laughs at my jokes," but boy would he know what to say. He had the best father of the bride speech I have ever heard. He had the whole room hanging on his soft spoken words. I loved his laugh. He he decided he was going to have a great belly laugh, it brightened the whole room. You knew he was up to something or he thought something was funny when he would wrinkle his nose and purse his lips a certain way. He was humble and didn't give himself the credit for how smart he was. I will miss not having his insight. He was a do-it-yourself-er and knew how to build anything. I had swing sets, tree houses, child sized chairs, bookshelves and all sorts of amazing things created by him. He would have made things for you, I know. He was already preparing the cabin for the coming years of you playing there. You both had so much fun together there this year. You would climb up into his lap to get him to play with you, and he would lay down on the ground and get you to roll cars back and forth. He was trying to figure out how soon he could get you up on his motorcycle. That was his outlet. Motorcycles were a passion of his. He would ride the way some people would jog. To clear his mind and feel invigorated. He loved to swim and dive as well. He was a fish in the water, and so graceful off of a diving board. He would have had you swimming soon, he was the reason we introduced you to the water so quickly. I'm so sad that he will not be able to teach you the strokes or how to water ski. I promise you will learn, but he was such a good teacher. He loved to help people and was never afraid to get his hands dirty and chip in. He loved to put his dirty hands in my face and tease me. He was sentimental and would hold on to things for the memories they held. He loved the Lord, and I have memories of him with his Bible by his bed side. He and grandma made sure we grew up going to church, just like daddy and I take you to church. He believed in tough love, and would tell me "no" if he knew I didn't need something or just to make me a better person and not spoiled. He spoiled me in other ways. I knew he loved me, he told me all the time. Every time I would get off the phone with him he would say, "I love all three of you". Tim was a son to him, you held such a special place, and I was his little girl. You will hear stories about grandpa as you grow, from all of us. Your uncles and aunts have a big job of helping his memory stay alive for you. I hate that we're are all so spread out right how, but he would be happy to know we will all be with each other soon, for him. I know as the days go by it will be easier, and my heart won't hurt as much, but right now your sweet little laugh helps get me through the day. You have his eyes, the same interesting color of grandpa's eyes stare back at me when I look at you. They were such kind, loving eyes, full of love.

11 Months Old

The time has passed and the calendar keeps progressing. I keep telling myself that the date is wrong and we aren't nearing October, but alas, Connor keeps getting older and on Sunday he turned 11 months old. Sunday was surely charged with emotion for many reasons. I always love my time as vocalist in Club 252 in our Children's Department at church. I consider a great responsibility, and enjoy watching the children respond. On top of that it was the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 and it is something very powerful to reflect upon especially when you consider the future of your child. He is growing up in a world very different from the one Tim and I grew up in. Each generation has new challenges to face, and I pray daily for Connor's future.

Our theme this month with our Children's department is "Knowledge" and they were able to use many of my own classroom items to decorate our stage. I love bringing Connor to rehearsals and he seems to enjoy it too. He loves loves loves music, and he will stop what he is doing when he hears it to dance and sing along. I could not be anymore thrilled with the joy that music brings him. Another favorite of Connor's is any type of ball. If he happens to spot one from across the room he will make a bee-line straight to it. Basketballs, footballs, baseballs, and much to Tim's chagrin, soccer balls as well. He knows how to throw them, spike them, and kick them. We have an athlete in the making for sure. He also has a great fascination with remote controls and cell phones. They are the surest bet to make him happy. Calling and texting people, or changing the channel are a great source of pleasure and amusement!

His walking improves with every passing day, though he tends to want to crawl if he needs to go to the middle of the room. Last week I spoke too soon with saying he had 2 molars. By the very next day we were on to molar number 3. They may be the worst teeth to break through. It has been intense, but now I'm more willing to give him food to nosh on. Boy does he love solids! Real noodles, real rice, real chicken....yum-o. Our little adventurer is still scaling things, but we see it as a positive. I feel this is reflective of his personality, of his fearlessness, of his inquisitiveness, of his determination. He is incredible!

Evel Knievel

Gather 'round ladies and gentlemen to witness the incredible, fearless acts, of one amazing 1o month old.

My child is a dare devil. Watch him closely because I'm sure the Grand Canyon is next.

Connor is certainly all boy, and figuring out how to get up as high as he can is a specialty of his. He truly is one to watch very carefully. Poor grandma didn't know she was getting an acrobat back this school year. This is a relatively new talent, as his balance and strength get greater and greater with each day. It started with things relatively close to the ground, and has increased in height with each day.

Bumbo, check.

Play Tray, too easy.

Couch, piece of cake.

We try not to laugh, but it is just amazing to witness. I'm sure this has spawned because he doesn't want to be locked into any one place. So he will find any way to break free. His squeals of victory as he reaches his freedom are his way of mocking us. Saying, "Ha ha mommy and daddy, I have out smarted you!" Connor Knievel really is brilliant. He loves to figure things out, and daily amazes us with his skills.



Watch out, he's a rule breaker!

He has been on a roll this week. From getting better and better at walking, to growing new teeth, we are constantly on our toes, while he seems to be on everything else. Yes, I said new teeth. We have two new molars growing in. One peeking through on the bottom, one coming through on the opposite top gum. The poor baby has had a sore mouth, which leads to all sorts of other headaches for everyone. But, we face each new day with heads high, a little more bags under our eyes, and the thankfulness for having such an amazing (fearless) blessing.