You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown!

Good Grief, Connor’s first foray into trick-or-treating was a success. Naturally, thanks to Connor’s natural appearance, he went as Charlie Brown. We then got creative and Kristin went as Sally and I went as Linus. "My sweet Babboo" was uttered multiple times throughout the night. At first, we were a little concerned because the weather here has not been cooperative of late. Over the weekend and into Monday morning, parts of South Florida had accumulated almost a foot of rain. However, by Monday afternoon, most of the rain had moved away and left a nice cool evening in its place.

Our first stop was to Great-Grandpa and Great-Grandma Hackett’s house. It was here that we first devised the plan for Connor to go as Charlie Brown so we figured it would be appropriate to stop by. After that, we went down to Grandma Glenda’s. From here we took Connor/Charlie Brown out to a few houses on the block. Connor’s walking has been getting better daily so we decided it would be fun to allow him to walk as much of the neighborhood as he could. He did great. We stopped at a few of Grandma Glenda’s neighbors who knew Connor and they were excited to see him. For the most part, the decorations did not bother Connor. Occasionally something would trigger a prop to scream, or something would move suddenly and he would briefly pause, but after a second, he would brave on forward. The same can not be said for our little pup Roxy, who of course went as Snoopy.

After meeting up with Aunt Kaitlyn and her friends for some more trick or treating, we headed back to Grandma Glenda’s to sort through our spoils. For Connor, this meant climbing over, sitting on top of, and throwing any and all candy he could get a hold of. As a treat, Connor got his first lollipop. Not surprisingly, he knew exactly what to do with it and finished it off with no problem.

This coming weekend we are going back to one of the places we truly love. We are heading back to Lynchburg to visit Casey and of course Liberty. As is usual, this trip is going to be busy and full of fun, food, friends, football and theater. We plan on taking Connor (this will be his second trip to Liberty) to his first Liberty Football game. I of course am most excited about this. We also plan on taking in Liberty’s production of Little Shop of Horrors while also setting aside time for great friends we have not seen in a while and family coming up from North Carolina. I expect this to be exactly what we need right now.

Football!!

Are you ready for some? It's been a busy week. I feel like I need a breather, and yet things are always busy around here. We've had some beautiful weather recently, and we can really feel the change in the air. Cool for us is only in the 70s but by George, it's time to break out the boots! Of course we got Connor an adorable little pair that has sheep's wool on the inside. Too cute!

The day before Connor turned 1 we went to Sears to document the occasion. Come on, I had a free coupon for a sitting and some prints, I was in! This is the shot we picked, and I just can't get over how big he is.

In a wonderful turn of events a dear friend from high school was in town and contacted me asking if there was anything I would be interested in having pictures of. It was her way of bringing some sunshine into my life. She had no idea that we wanted "real" pictures of Connor turning one, but God new I hadn't had time to book anything and laid it on her heart. Jenn was able to meet with us Saturday morning and she took some beautiful pictures of Connor. I cannot wait to see the finished product. The weather was gorgeous, and though Connor was still dealing with his cold, and a very runny nose, he was full of smiles and we have some real winners. Photoshop can fix snot any day! I was able to incorporate some props that reminisce Daddy in some of the shots, and it makes it all the more special. A stuffed animal Buffalo he had brought back from his trip to Sturgis, and a beautiful tin fire truck really made the shoot mean so much more to us.

Saturday marked one month since the accident and I don't think my heart is hurting any less. Saturday was very difficult, and I know that this Saturday will be even more so. October 29 is daddy's birthday. He would have been 62. I'm waiting to feel like myself again. I'm waiting to adjust to this new normal. I'm waiting to breathe again, it's just so hard. Life goes on, we move forward, and we have to keep going in that direction.

Tim purchased season tickets to the Dolphin's games this year and because it was so beautiful out on Sunday we decided to take Connor to his first professional football game. So maybe our team hasn't had much luck this year, we still manage to have fun at the games. Connor Boy loved clapping with the crowd, and yelling when appropriate. But Connor really loved dancing along to all of the musical interludes, and we have found that he likes rap. That's right, his little body really starts to rock when rap comes on, and his head juts forward and back to the beat. We're going to start calling him C-Dog from now on. The game was really good and we were actually winning so we decided to duck out and beat the crowds at the beginning of the 4th quarter. Who knew we would miss so much. I'm glad C-Dog didn't have to see the trouncing we got!
This next week our little trio will be taking a much needed trip. We're heading up to Virginia to visit Casey and the rest of our LU loved ones. We even get to see some Bakewell's! All of this already means so much to me. I love LU in the Fall, and my heart needs my near and dear. This picture is from our last very special fall visit up there. I hope this trip will hold its own new memories and also help us look back fondly on our old family memories from 2 years ago. I can't wait to see everyone, and feel a little peace.
One last thing, I wanted to include the picture we put on the front of Connor's Thank You notes for his birthday presents. I just had so much fun with these pictures, and when I found this shot I knew it was perfect for the cards. Casey slapped the "Thank You" on it and we were set to go! We are so thankful for the love and support given to our family, and for those who showered Connor with their love on his birthday as well. We are truly blessed.

Fall and Fevers

In the week since turning one Connor has had 3 Doctor visits, a trip to the pumpkin patch, gotten a bad cold, and learned a new word. Life keeps moving forward. I feel like I've lived in a daze since the accident, but I'm reminded daily through Connor that we have to keep going. There is no pause button in life, and certainly no rewind. We can keep moving towards the future and savor each day we are given. I don't understand why things happen, but I know who makes the plans, and I trust Him completely though it's hard sometimes.

The first two doctor visits were completely planned. Connor had a well baby check-up for turning one that was interesting in and of itself. It was right around nap time, and we were lucky enough to have to wait an hour just to be given a room. Connor does not like sitting in one place for an hour, so that already put us on the wrong course. When we were finally seen, it was by a doctor that was filling in for the doctor we usually see. They do his checkup on the table and would not let me hold him in my lap while they poked and prodded. Of course Connor didn't like that either. He certainly made it known that he was not happy. I'm used to Chuckie (that's his alter ego he adopts when throwing a temper tantrum), but clearly the doctor was not. Let's think about this, he was due for a nap, they made us wait for over an hour, then poked and prodded with no kindness, and Connor had enough. She was shocked at his behavior and told me I will need to watch his anger, and I should be teaching him how to express himself better. That's fine lady, next time he gets upset I will require a dissertation on proper emotional outbursts relating to situations at present. He is one, he is tired, and he does not like you. During the visit we learned that Connor is in th 90th percentile for height and 75th percentile for weight. 31 inches tall, and 22.3 lbs respectively. He also got three shots which they jabbed in his arm, again propped up on a table not in my lap. The next doctor appointment was with Tiki Dental for his first Dentist Appointment. With 11 teeth he was ready! He got a "cleaning" and a checkup. His teeth look great and his gaps are perfect. Sure he bit the dentist, but it's par for the course. Her finger was in his mouth, and she said it's normal. The third appointment was on Monday because baby Connor is sick. Fever, runny nose, cough, ear infection and little appetite, leads to exhaustion for mommy and daddy. The poor guy can barely breathe through his nose, and we're up all night with him trying to help him sleep. I'll be ready for a healthy baby, Chuckie days and all!

We went to the Flamingo Road Nursery Pumpkin Patch this past weekend. I was so impressed with their set up. There was a horse drawn "hay" ride, pumpkin painting, a farmer's market, and lots of pumpkins. Connor was in "ball" heaven. He thought every pumpkin was a ball, and couldn't stop saying so. He also was transfixed by the horses when we went for our ride. It was such a fun day that we spent with the Collins' and Rizzo's. It was overcast but that gave us a cool breeze, and made it not too hot. Our Florida version of "Fall". We knew Connor wasn't quite himself because smiles were very hard to come by. It was a serious Connor day, and by the next morning we had a congested mess. The loot we brought home consisted of one big pumpkin, 2 baby pumpkins, and a cool bumpy green gourd. Connor likes to remind us of "ball" every time we walk in or out of the front door.


"Bubbles". My little elocutionist found a bottle the other day, and it became the perfect teaching opportunity. He loves to imitate sounds and learned "bubble" really well. I love to hear his babble, and it's so fun trying to guess what he is going to say next. We've heard "I love you" once, just after I had said it to him and started to walk out of the room. Everyone stopped, looked at each other, and then the "oh my gosh's" started. What a cool kid our Connor-boy is! Can you believe our last pumpkin pictures looked like this?

1 Year Old; Happy Birthday!

We hit one out of the park for Connor's first birthday party. I can honestly say that I may have been more stressed out over this than when Tim and I got married. It has been a very stressful few weeks to say the least, but I really wanted to give it my all and make this special. The team work that came from my family and friends to help make this happen was incredible. Connor is so lucky to have so many people who will step up to bat for him. Of course we had a theme, and Red Sox, win or lose, will always be a part of our family so that was an easy choice. Throw in a great invitation by Casey, a scoreboard by Grandma Glenda, a concession stand, and all of the hot dog and toppings choices one can imagine and you've got yourself a baseball bash. Popcorn, Peanuts, Cotton Candy, Soft Pretzels, Cracker Jacks, (I feel like a vendor calling out my goods) you could almost imagine you were at Fenway!

Here is a link to watch Connor dig into his cake: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4DDCo9n0Mk&feature=share

Connor had many friends come, and many special people. We surely felt the absence of Grandpa Gary, but we felt God's grace throughout the day. It was amazing how the Lord used His power to show us that He was still in control on Sunday. The entire weekend South Florida was experiencing a Tropical Wave. I thought we would have to call the party on account of rain. We woke up to rain, we did last minute errands in the rain, we set up in the rain, all the while praying for just a little sunshine. Please Lord, we just need a little. We adjusted. We set up most of the party on the porch, still had the bounce house delivered, set out all of the chairs, had towels on hand, all the while not knowing which way we would swing the party. As the first guests arrived the clouds began to break. For 3 glorious hours we had sunshine. Take that 60% chance of showers all day, we have a mighty God. I am still in awe of how well everything turned out. So much of it is still a blur, I'm still trying to decompress and slow myself down from everything that has been taking place in our lives. The Lord will only give us what we can handle, and He knew my soul needed the sunshine. In the moments when I can't make sense of any of this I can look to how He took control, and how He is still taking care of us. Thank you Lord for Connor's party.
Our little Boy is 1. It is amazing to go back and read this (go ahead, click it) and see how far we have come. I have so much more life experience under my belt. My newborn is now walking and talking and certainly has a mind of his own. He is amazing to me. My most incredible accomplishment. I couldn't be more proud to be his mom, and I hold him so close to my heart. I stand in awe of the gift I was given.

I now know that I can still survive on very little sleep. That things you have to struggle to be patient with, teaches you patience. I've learned that when a baby won't stop crying for hours, you cry too. Sometimes you have to act like a lunatic to get your child to giggle or smile, and you think it's worth it. I am now positive, every baby is different! I know I can sit on the floor for hours entertaining a child and still go to work. I've learned how quickly I can move to prevent a bump or bruise from happening. I know now that a mother never stops praying for her child, and thinks about them by the minute. Lists work! And, it was verified, singing is the best medicine, whether it's "You are my sunshine" or our "Connor" song.

Grandma Glenda made her banana cake special for him to enjoy all by himself.

Today's your first birthday

How can that be true?

Each day has been so special

To turn you into you.

I love to kiss your little cheeks

and hold you nice a close.

Your little personality

is what I love the most.

It's a blessing to be your mom

I love you oh so much,

I can't wait to watch you grow

and see all you touch.

You are an amazing little boy

I just want you to know,

please don't rush your growing up,

take it nice and slow.

Marathon way of Life

Tim and Grandma Glenda have been preparing and training for the Disney Food and Wine half marathon for the last 7 months. Running has consumed Tim, and has become a part of our life here at home. Three and sometimes four mornings every week Tim would break out the jogging stroller and head out on predetermined courses all over the Hollywood Hills. He loves how he feels and it's something we've all been proud of him for, including Grandpa Gary.

The race was the evening before the Memorial Service, in Orlando.

We went back and forth many times as to what we should do. After much thought, prayer, contemplation, and discussion, we decided to go through with it. We had been shut in for so long, and it was the perfect way to get our minds off of what was going to happen the next day. The feelings I went through while we were there were so varied, there was a mixture of laughter and tears, but I know it was something that Grandpa Gary would have wanted us to do. Connor mastered a new word, "ball", and is now blowing kisses as well. Life is moving forward.
We got about 4 hours of sleep and collected ourselves to make the trip home. I don't think I wanted to face it. I didn't want it to happen. I felt like if it didn't take place then the accident didn't take place. The Memorial Service was very touching, and the turnout was more than I could have hoped for. Many people came to remember daddy. Connor was such a good boy, and it was so special to have the entire Guise family together. There is no way to prepare yourself for such a service. I'm still drained from it. My emotions are exhausted, my body is tired, my brain is unfocused. The show of love and support was overwhelming, and the result was memorable. I still can't believe he is gone. I can't believe this has happened. It's hard to get back to "normal", it's hard to move forward. I think about it all the time.

I feel like I'm running a marathon and my legs are about to give out. I see the finish line but somehow it keeps moving farther away. I want things to slow down, stop, and reverse. I want to go back to three weeks ago where the only thing I was focused on was Connor's first birthday. The room is still ready for dad's visit.

One Week Later

Has it really been a week? The days have all blended together, and we very seldom leave the house. By house, I mean mom's, because that is where we have decided to make camp. Casey came home, and it's nice to all be together here sharing the load of grief. There has been so much to do, and yet the desire to not do anything at all. I feel like I've relived my childhood over and over again by looking at the vast amount of pictures we have. Scanning and sorting was an arduous task that Grandma Glenda really took care of. Uncle Scott has been in North Carolina trying to take care of as much as he can, and we've been down here trying to plan a service. It seems so unreal. It's still a shock. The tears have come so often, I feel like I will have no more left. Connor is doing so well during all of this. We have tried to keep him to his schedule, but of course his sleeping environment is different. He enjoys the company that comes to visit and he is walking everywhere more and more. His giggles are a highlight to any day, and he helps me focus on the here and now. I'm reminded of how delicate life is. How we take it for granted. How the Lord is so powerful, and how He has a plan whether I can see it or not. A tree, a simple tree changed our lives. They have cut down so many that it was just a normal task for them. Who knew it would end so tragically? I think about this and still think it's wrong. That it was just a close call, a story that dad is going to tell us about later. It seems so unreal to me. This type of thing doesn't happen to us, these are things you only hear about. A week has gone by.

There is hope though. There is a promise that I will see him again. This is where faith swoops in and soothes the hurt, and wraps it's arms around us to ease the pain. Every day gets a little better, every day holds more smiles, every day brings hope.

1 Thessalonions 4:13-18

¹³ Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words.

Grandpa Gary

Psalm 61:2 "When my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

As I was thinking about journaling this week, I thought my main topic was going to be about how Connor gave himself a frenectomy on Sunday and how seeing him hurt was not easy. I have no words for what I'm actually going to write because my heart cannot make sense of what has happened. Daddy is gone. I have lost my daddy, Connor has lost his grandpa. I know I will see him in the future but there are so many things I am going to miss. So many memories I was looking forward to making.

Connor, let me tell you about your grandpa. He was so proud of you, and he loved you so much. You were his very first grandchild, and he thought you were so amazing. He was a sensitive man, and had a lot of wisdom. He was never one to shy away from his opinion, though he was always quick to say "Now, you don't have to do what I say, but this is what I think...". Of course because of what he said you knew you were going to take his advice. He had a great sense of humor, of which he always said "No one ever laughs at my jokes," but boy would he know what to say. He had the best father of the bride speech I have ever heard. He had the whole room hanging on his soft spoken words. I loved his laugh. He he decided he was going to have a great belly laugh, it brightened the whole room. You knew he was up to something or he thought something was funny when he would wrinkle his nose and purse his lips a certain way. He was humble and didn't give himself the credit for how smart he was. I will miss not having his insight. He was a do-it-yourself-er and knew how to build anything. I had swing sets, tree houses, child sized chairs, bookshelves and all sorts of amazing things created by him. He would have made things for you, I know. He was already preparing the cabin for the coming years of you playing there. You both had so much fun together there this year. You would climb up into his lap to get him to play with you, and he would lay down on the ground and get you to roll cars back and forth. He was trying to figure out how soon he could get you up on his motorcycle. That was his outlet. Motorcycles were a passion of his. He would ride the way some people would jog. To clear his mind and feel invigorated. He loved to swim and dive as well. He was a fish in the water, and so graceful off of a diving board. He would have had you swimming soon, he was the reason we introduced you to the water so quickly. I'm so sad that he will not be able to teach you the strokes or how to water ski. I promise you will learn, but he was such a good teacher. He loved to help people and was never afraid to get his hands dirty and chip in. He loved to put his dirty hands in my face and tease me. He was sentimental and would hold on to things for the memories they held. He loved the Lord, and I have memories of him with his Bible by his bed side. He and grandma made sure we grew up going to church, just like daddy and I take you to church. He believed in tough love, and would tell me "no" if he knew I didn't need something or just to make me a better person and not spoiled. He spoiled me in other ways. I knew he loved me, he told me all the time. Every time I would get off the phone with him he would say, "I love all three of you". Tim was a son to him, you held such a special place, and I was his little girl. You will hear stories about grandpa as you grow, from all of us. Your uncles and aunts have a big job of helping his memory stay alive for you. I hate that we're are all so spread out right how, but he would be happy to know we will all be with each other soon, for him. I know as the days go by it will be easier, and my heart won't hurt as much, but right now your sweet little laugh helps get me through the day. You have his eyes, the same interesting color of grandpa's eyes stare back at me when I look at you. They were such kind, loving eyes, full of love.